CockBlocking Sasori
by Kitsune Slave
Summary: Sasori might have feelings for their housekeeper, Yume. Hidan interrupts the puppet-master's attempts at finding out for sure. So what does he do? Pisses them off and decides to screw with their minds by making a game with the other Akatsuki. Sasorioc
1. Chapter 1

Yume shouldn't have been there. She knew it was wrong to be in the stronghold of the Akatsuki. After all, every one of them were S-class criminals who kill without batting an eye. It was dangerous and could get her in trouble even if she was "saved". Technically, she'd been kidnapped from her home in the middle of the night by Sasori and Deidara and had been ordered to keep house for all of them. And at first, she resisted.

But then again, at first, no one seemed to realize that "please" was a magic word that made her more compliable to meet the demands placed upon her. Hidan never said please but then again, that was just his way and she accepted that. But everyone else was not exempt. Some of them didn't eat and she, being a hostile female, didn't offer them any food anyway.

It wasn't until Itachi, sick of convenience stores and eating out, entered her kitchen and asked politely, albeit impatiently, if she would make some food for him. The girl's eyes widened at the nice question and smiled at him, her cheeks blushing happily as she busied herself making food... for one Itachi Uchiha. It wasn't until then that she realized that she missed cooking food for people who wanted it. She liked making her customers happy. But they did have to treat her with some respect.

Suddenly Yume had a thought- it wasn't like she'd been abused by these criminals. A talking-to, sure... Hidan cursed at her and did his creepy-voodoo shit but nothing had happened in retaliation... but even criminals had to eat, right? And the next time Sasori entered the kitchen, she asked him if he wanted something to eat.

He blinked blankly as if he hadn't expected her to talk to him.

And that made her feel like such a bitch. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to act so harshly. But you guys did kidnap me and order me around like a slave. I was angry..."

"... and you're not anymore?" His voice was deep and monotone but it held a softness that she hadn't expected.

Yume shook her head. "Not really. More like annoyed that none of you are very polite when you demand food," she replied, shrugging. "It's a waste of time to be angry about being taken from my home. After all, I have no idea where I am."

Sasori smirked slightly. "If you did know where you are, we'd have to be looking for a new housekeeper. But..." His smirk lowered. "... I don't eat food so don't expect me to ask."

The young lady smiled with a nod. "I understand. That makes sense. Well, when you took me, I wasn't conscious enough to introduce myself. I am Yume. It's nice to meet you, Sasori."

He blinked a few times before nodding. "You are a very strange girl... you do realize that you're in the presence of a criminal? I don't have any qualms about killing you, you know."

She sighed, braiding her long wavy black hair. With a roll of her silver eyes, she replied, "Would you rather I start crying and begging for mercy? I would have thought that you'd get bored by THAT reaction. Besides, it's not like I'm a threat to you. You don't eat and I wouldn't dare to poison the food that I make."

The puppet-master nodded once more before leaving the room. Yume chuckled and went back to cleaning. That was the first real conversation she ever had with him and she really hoped that it wouldn't be the last.

Several months later, Yume was still "kidnapped" and being "forced" to cook and clean for the Akatsuki. They realized that they needed to be more polite. And Kisame was the last to actually learn that lesson- after two months of being served fish fries, baked salmon, and sushi. But he was still an ass so every once in a while, she had to stick in some fish-based meals to keep him in line.

She sighed just as someone entered her kitchen and she turned to see the redheaded Sasori holding onto a wounded limb. His eyes were just a bit narrow but besides that, he looked normal. She asked, "You hungry?"

He sat down with a sigh. "You ask me that every time I enter this room. What makes you think I'll change my answer?" He looked at his broken bracket and clicked his tongue. He usually worked on his puppets in his room but lately, he did some work in the kitchen.

"It doesn't hurt to ask- I was told there wasn't such a thing as a stupid question."

"... whoever told you that was wrong," he commented without looking at her.

Yume rolled her eyes before sitting next to him. "Says the puppet-master... let me see." She placed a soft hand on his arm, looking at it carefully.

"You know how to fix puppets?"

"Not really. But I'm pretty careful. And I'm sure it'd be easier for you if I just follow your instructions."

Sasori looked down at her with his brown eyes before nodding. "Alright..." He reached into his robe and pulled out a quick-fix tool kit. Handing it to her, he removed his robe with a bit of difficulty and leaving his upper body exposed with the robes pooling in his lap.

The black-haired housekeeper blushed deeply, trying to ignore the fit chest of wood. It was odd for her to be attracted to this horrible-looking science experiment. But he was one of the nicer Akatsuki members... and was very handsome. Without hesitation, she began to follow his instructions, unaware of those same brown eyes watching her work.

Sasori gazed at Yume's focused but flushed face as she worked carefully to fix his arm. He didn't quite understand this girl. She kept offering him food even though she knew he was a puppet and unable to eat. Then she touched him without a second thought and spoke with concern in her voice towards his person. So strange... she certainly was one-of-a-kind. He took this time studying her physical self as it wasn't as difficult as trying to understand her mind.

Her shiny black hair was long and smelled like cherry blossoms. It was kept down so her equally long bangs were in her face as she followed his words to a "T". It also happened to be hindering his view of her eyes. So using his uninjured arm, he tucked her hair behind her ears, alerting her and making her look up at him.

"I assumed it was difficult for you to work with your hair in your eyes..." he excused without missing a beat. At her nod, she went back to work thus allowing him to keep admiring her looks.

Those silver eyes reminded him of knives... particuarly the kitchen ones that she used for cooking and the occasional threat when not asked politely. But when she was happy and not making a point, they glittered like diamonds. It was probably a good thing she wasn't a ninja- her emotions were viewed clearly through her eyes. But they were beautiful. The type of beauty that he wanted to preserve in his own unique art.

"Tell me if it hurts, okay?"

Sasori blinked as he saw her looking at him with such a look of seriousness that he had a hard time not laughing. He was a puppet- nothing could hurt him or kill him. This little problem was just annoying.

Yume pouted as if she could sense his inner laughter. "I'm serious! I just remembered that I might end up pinching a nerve or something. Whenever my sister got hurt, she'd have me fix her up and sometimes I would make it hurt more. She'd start crying..."

"... what did you do to calm her down? You don't seem like the type to keep working on a screaming child," the redhead asked. He was that type if he was to ever help a hurt kid.

"Of course not. The screaming would just give me a headache. I kissed her on the forehead and calmly whispered that everything was going to be okay. Told her that the pain she was feeling was proof that she was alive and well. I did that a few times before I was finished and I gave her a hug before dismissing her."

Sasori could see the sadness suddenly flash in her eyes. The loneliness within turned her bright silver eyes dull and he found that he didn't much like that color. So he did what he thought he should. He made his arm twitch, causing her to look down at it in surprise. "Sorry... hit a nerve..." he lied skillfully.

Yume looked back up at him, eyes worried and remorseful. "I'm so sorry... does it still hurt?"

He shrugged, looking away as his arm twitched in "pain" again. He couldn't believe he did that... but... it wasn't like he could take it back, right?

His brown eyes widened as he saw her hands take hold of his head and pull him closer. Her lips gently pressed against his forehead and he found that he couldn't move away, didn't want to. He could feel her warmth, her chest against his wooden body. Before he could decide if he actually liked the closeness or not, she pulled away.

"I'm sorry. I'll try to be more careful..." she whispered softly, picking up one of the tools to keep working. But Sasori said something to stop her in her tracks.

"I want another one... you hurt me twice, after all..."

Her vibrant silver eyes looked up at him as she blushed harshly. He could see the wheels in her head turning as she thought about his words. "... wh-where...? I mean... I already kissed your forehead..." Now her words were meek and carefully spoken. He had to admit- all these months of having the girl take the rest of the Akatsuki by the balls, it was nice to know that she was still a female.

And even a puppet-sociopath was in need of some contact with the opposite sex. "... I have one place in mind..." His hands moved to her waist as he moved her closer, their lips almost touching. The look in her eyes was so innocent. He found himself, a horrible person who would be doomed to go to the deepest layer of Hell if he ever died, wanting that innocence. He wanted to take it and desecrate it, making her as impure as himself so he wouldn't have to face his eternal punishment alone. Of course, he wasn't planning on going anywhere any time soon so he might as well enjoy it, right?

By now, their lips were just barely touching... until Hidan's foul-mouth ruined the moment.

"Fuck! Go get a room that isn't so public, you horny cretins!"

Hidan watched in mild amusement and irritation as Sasori and Yume flashed apart. The girl was as red as the blood beneath her flesh. And Sasori... he looked almost mad. How interesting. Perhaps he could make a game out of this. "Yume, make me some food! I just got back from my mission and Kakuzu made us go on so many side missions... fuckin' miser! What the Hell does he need that much cash for! It's not like he goes to the strippers or pays some bitch for her time! He just goes on missions and stays holed up here until he hears of another bounty!"

The angry silverette watched as the black-haired female busied about making him food. Then he looked at the still ticked off Sasori. "... so, Sasori... have fun while I was gone?" he asked with an evil smirk.

The redhead looked at him blankly before picking up a tool and getting to work on his injured bracket. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about... have you been devouring pigs' blood again as you paid tribute to your god...?"

"I mean you and the housewife. She is a hot little thing, I'll give you that. So... when you gonna fuck her?"

Fire erupted on the stove and the tool missed it's mark, scratching deeply into the wooden limb. Sasori glared deeply at Hidan for a moment before grabbing his tool kit. "No. You should know by now that my body is no longer fit for such carnal activities." And he left the kitchen without a goodbye.

Hidan set his eyes on Yume who got the fire contained. He could see that her face was still vibrantly flushed. And he kept going. "Jeez, what's his problem? It's not like he's the only one who's lusting... after all, Yume, you've been eating on him for about 2 months now, right? I mean, hardcore, ready and willing, unholy bondage kind of fucking. Your mother would cry and your dad would probably come at Sasori with a katana to defend his daughter's impure body."

A plate of food was placed in front of him and the girl sat across from him as he took his first bite. And effectively bolted to the sink, dousing the rapid heat that threatened to burn through his esophogus. "AHHHHHHH!"

Yume giggled evily as she went to his side and whispered in his ear so he could hear her through the sounds of drowning the spiciness. "Now you listen here, Hidan... by now, you should have learned this lesson but I'll remind you of it verbally since it'll be very difficult for you to talk for the next couple of days. Don't FUCK with people who handle your food..." She smirked and left the kitchen, calling behind her, "And milk would work so much better at calming down those peppers..."

He charged to the fridge and eliminated the half-gallon of milk that they had in the kitchen. Once the flames within were calm, he huffed and winced. She wasn't kidding when she said he wouldn't be able to talk. So he set about devising a plan of revenge. Revenge on Yume would mean dragging Sasori into it... oh well! It wasn't like he cared for the bastard. And he was going to get the other members in on it too. What fun he would have embarrassing the little minx and messing with her mind using Sasori as the means.

((Tell me if I should keep this going. I just had an idea as I was reading up profiles on the Akatsuki. If I didn't get Hidan right, I'm sorry. I've never seen him in Shippuden and I know he's violent... but he also has a foul mouth. And that's what I wanted to utilize. Now REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!))


	2. Gathering Recruits for the Cause

Chapter 2: Gathering Recruits for the Cause

(3 days later)

Hidan knew that he could do this on his own. After all, it was his revenge plan. But what's the fun in embarrassing a girl and her man if there's no friendly competition between coworkers? So he set to work, looking for Deidara. It wasn't that he particularly liked the man; in fact, his hair annoyed him, being so long and girlish. His own hair was fashioned in a cut that was about as long as any respectable man should keep it or it should be shorter. The blond chose to keep his hair in a half-ponytail with a large fringe covering his left blue eye.

But Deidara, for as feminine as he was, was Sasori's partner. If he could get the explosive-expert on his side, almost everyone was sure to follow. At least this way, he could show off his cruelty in a most amusing fashion and rub it in the blond's face.

"Where the fuck is he...? Bet he ran off to get some more of that damn clay... and at such an important time. How am I supposed to get the ball rolling without that goddamned homo-fucker not being around when I want to talk to him?!" Hidan's temper was rising with every step he took that didn't result in Deidara appearing out of thin air.

"Well, someone's in a bad mood..." Orochimaru stepped into the light, his golden eyes narrowed and a smirk on his face. The tall sannin's hair also bothered him but at least despite the length, Snake-breath's body was obviously masculine, his hair shiny and in his face, not pulled back at all. Too bad he wasn't looking for him.

Hidan cursed loudly, using words that would make a satanist weep. "I'm looking for Deidara! Bastard shouldn't be hiding from me when I'm looking for him! Where is he?!"

The snake-man chuckled at the profanity that the silverette was known for. "I saw him in his room last... seems he found some new kind of clay that he's learning to mold for his art... But I wonder why you're looking for him..."

The purple-eyed Jashin-worshipper blinked. Should he tell? It wasn't like he and Orochimaru were best friends. He could keep it quiet but this was a game of numbers and he needed as many allies to... go down with him. He knew how bad this could get but hey, there wasn't too much for loyalty when it came to the rest of the Akatsuki. He was just there to earn his bit for worship-money.

"I want him to join my cause. See, Sasori and Yume are eatin' on each other, big time. Now normally, I don't give a fuck. But that pathetic puppet-head and the housewife are acting so innocent when around others. Pisses me off. Especially when I go out of my way to help them out... let the cat out of the bag so they can go make a lusty bonfire outta his wooden ass and the bitch fuckin' poisons my food with spicy peppers. Couldn't talk for 3 days! So I'm gonna get revenge- cock-blockin' Sasori. Wanna have some fun?"

Orochimaru laughed in that annoyingly-evil way of his. His pale skin seemed to stretch across his skull, giving him the impression of already being dead. His teeth were dangerously sharp, tongue pointed. Hidan narrowed his eyes. 'Damn snake-fucker better not be makin' fun...' he thought angrily.

Soon, his laughter died and golden slitted eyes glittered with glee. "Sure... I'll join. Hell, I'll even get Kabuto in on this. You'll have your revenge and I'll be spared some boredom while I wait for something vaguely more interesting to come up."

Hidan nodded. He didn't even suggest the freak to get some more recruits- that would make him "owe" Orochimaru. So he went on his way and soon came across Deidara's room. Banging on the door, he smirked at the sound of a large explosion and smoke spiraling from the underside of the door. Moving away, the door soon opened to reveal a soot-covered blond who was none-too-pleased at the interruption.

"What? I'm busy working, unlike SOME people!" Deidara pouted with a one-eyed glare.

The silver-haired male rolled his eyes. "If by working, you mean playing with your clay, I've got something MUCH more amusing... how would you like to help me cock-block Sasori?"

His blue eye blinked before he replied, "Um... Sasori's my partner and you just blew up my latest project. Why the Hell should I help you?"

"Because he talks smack about your art and you know you wanna fuck with his love-life."

Deidara sighed, rolling his eyes. "The words 'Sasori' and 'love-life' don't belong in the same sentence, Hidan." His tone was as if he was speaking to a child. "Sasori's a puppet without a heart... he can't love. And even if he could, it's not like he'd get any."

"Oh yeah? I know for a fact that our little housewife'd be willing to open her legs and risk a few splinters... for a piece of his wood..."

The blond bomber giggled. "That sounds so dirty, Hidan... But seriously? Yume wants a piece of Sasori? Hmmm... I may wanna play your game after all... bitch made fun of my hair..." He frowned as he thought back to earlier this week. Yume had made 'angel hair pasta' and claimed that it was in honor of his hair. While some would think it a compliment, he did not. Especially when Tobi actually tried to eat his hair...

Hidan nodded. "Recruit who you can... keep Sasori in the dark and don't tell the bitch nothin'."

((I researched the Akatsuki a bit and saw that Orochimaru was listed as one... but his profile says that he has a deep hatred for the Akatsuki... yeah, in this, he's gonna be a member simply because I know he'd want in on something this messed up. But he is not my favorite... at all... Read and review!))


	3. Strike One For Team Hidan

((Thanks to all who reviewed this story thus far! And this chapter is my way of apologizing for the last chapter. It was super short and very boring... just trying to up the ranks. This one is better!))

Chapter 3: Strike One For Team Hidan

By the end of the next day, the ranks were Hidan, Orochimaru, Kabuto, Deidara, and Kisame. Konan simply refused to join the inner-mission and no one bothered to recruit Tobi. While the man could keep a secret, he was also closest to Yume and would probably end up telling her of the plot. Itachi knew but wouldn't participate. They all figured that it was based on him not wanting to go back to pre-packaged food every night. Kakuzu had run off on another one of his side-missions and probably wouldn't have gone for the plot anyway. Yahiko hadn't been informed of this and Zetsu was still arguing with himself on what they should do. As for Nagato, he was staying out of this plan due to Konan's influence.

So Hidan and the other's met in a secret planning room that Yume must not have known about. The dust was fairly thick and made Deidara whine that it was ruining his hair, but it was the only safe place from detection. Once they had dusted off their chairs, Hidan started their "meeting".

"So what'd are we gonna do to teach the bitch a lesson? Keep in mind that most of us can't just go up to her and embarrass her. She'd whip out the spicy shit for me, fish for Kisame, and start roastin' snakes on a spit over an open fire for Snake-fucker over there..." He shuddered at the thought of how much worse Yume would make his food if she knew he was doing this. But it had to be done and he'd survived without her food before. She didn't have to rule his meals- he simply let her enjoy being a woman and serving him as a man.

Orochimaru and Kabuto both glared at the Jashin-worshipper before Kabuto began his report. "The girl has never been partial to anyone of us before. Deidara and I can maintain the teasing that you started and be completely fine... Kisame can forge a letter to her, claming to be Sasori who's madly in love with her. While that plan does have some flaws- namely, her showing Sasori the letter and him rejecting that it came from him- she can get the information we need from Sasori. The main object of this is to find out if Sasori is really interested in Yume. Then, we can go from there."

Kisame growled. "I don't like it. My handwriting looks nothing like Sasori's. Make Deidara do it. He's partnered with him and doesn't have anything the witch can do to him."

Hidan rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe what Fish-balls was saying. He replied, "Blondie's too girly to make a masculine love-letter convincin' enough for the housewife. If anythin', Deidara should write what you think Sasori would write to her. Make sure to leave nothin' out. And I want it gooey and nauseating, got it?" He dismissed the group and left the two members alone to write the love note.

Yume raised her eyebrows at the offending parchment. It was obviously addressed to her, the lettering so fancy and curly. And PINK. She felt like she was a teenager again, watching her friends write letters to the boys they had crushes on. One of the "love spells" that girls that age did was write love notes in pink or red ink. And even if she could ignore that mumbo-jumbo... the hearts in the corners of the paper were not so easily overlooked. With a skeptical sigh, she picked up the letter and started to read.

'Yume,

We've been together for a long time, you working for the Akatsuki and all. And during that time, I've found myself regretting a few things. One, that I cannot eat your food. Two, that I have missions that keep me away from your loving kitchen. And three, that everyone else intrudes on our alone time.

To me, you are the greatest masterpiece every created and I will never be able to mimick your beauty, even if I were to use your corpse for one of my puppets.'

She looked around in suspicion. This was the oddest letter ever written and she couldn't possibly imagine Sasori admitting to such a thing. But... it certainly was flattering and she couldn't keep the flush from her cheeks.

'What I'm trying to say is that I like you. I really like you. And I would like the chance to prove myself to you, splinters and all. If you accept my proposal, write a letter and slip it under my door. I'm afraid I'll be rather shy if you confront me in person and deny the letter all together.

~Sasori~'

Yume's face felt like it was on fire. While it wasn't nearly as cheesy as what some of the girls had written, this was Sasori. His emotions were very tepid, at best. And she knew he would deny anything like this out in the open. So she set about finding paper and writing her own letter in response.

"Phase One, complete... now we just have to intercept the letter..." Kisame whispered with his sharp-toothed grin.

Hidan smirked maliciously. "Lucky for us, Leader decided to send Deidara and Sasori on a mission. Getting the letter before Puppet-boy should be easy. And the little bitch is none the wiser. She'll be all hot 'n' bothered underneith that walking splinter and we'll have our blackmailing revenge complete. She'll never be able to torment our tastebuds again because she'll have died from mortification. I'll have to gather her corpse to sacrifice to Jashin..." He left the area to make plans on his greatest sacrifice ever- a love struck girl glazed with utter embarrassment and peppered with lust. He'll easily get 250 years of extra life for such devotion.

The blue-skinned ninja snorted and headed to their underground training area. He and the blond bomber had done their part of this plan- let Orochimaru slither through the vents to retrieve the damned letter.

While Yume was busy with her writing, she failed to notice Itachi enter the kitchen. Finishing the final touches, she turned around and ran into his chest. "Oof... sorry, Itachi..."

He had barely moved a centimeter before spotting the paper behind her. He picked it up and read it while she struggled to get it from the tall man, calling him every name in the book. Too bad for her, he didn't care what she said. He was more concerned about this.

"You're writing a love letter to Sasori?"

She stopped trying to attack him and blushed deeply. "Yes..." Was it that bad that she was finally acting like a girl? So she was a late bloomer- better to wait for the right one than get crushed by all the wrong ones.

"He left for a mission about an hour ago." He handed the letter back and said, "I suggest you burn this and try again when he's back. Or confess to him in person. Not that it's obvious or anything but Sasori IS a block of wood... he won't understand your written words and he'll barely comprehend you when you're telling him point blank."

"... okay... I got this letter from him and..." She held out the other letter and he read it with that stoic look on his face.

Then he sighed and threw both of the letters into the fire. Turning to Yume, the Uchiha replied, "Here's what you're going to do..."

The group of instigators crowded around the letter that was slipped under Sasori's door. Indeed, Orochimaru had slithered through the vents but retrieving it secretly was half the fun. Hidan opened it and read out loud.

"Dear idiots... Just because I said I wouldn't help doesn't mean I'm going to let her get hurt like that. If this is the best you can do, better... give up now..." The purple-eyed male glared at the letter. "Try again later and make it worth my time. ~Itachi~ P.S. Would Sasori ever put hearts on a love letter? Not even if he were full of termites."

Kisame took a slow breath before releasing it heavily. "Things just got twice as hard..."

"But what's a game without a bit of a challenge?" Kabuto asked slyly, exchanging a smirk with Orochimaru.

((Here's where I end it... and this is solid proof that even when I am in control of the situation, the characters just won't follow my lead. I swear, Itachi wasn't supposed to be in this- Tobi was. I think Tobi got tied up and thrown into a linen closet... Review to let Tobi out!))


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